


Post-It : Crumpled Papers

by Hydroblade



Category: Canis: The Speaker (Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Canis Week, Multi, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:55:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24717154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hydroblade/pseuds/Hydroblade
Summary: Everything or nothing, excellence or mediocrity, there is no middle ground, it is either one or the other.Samuel knows it too well, on his way to the apotheosis, no straying is authorized, the control must be absolute, to give everything at the risk of losing himself. But it is often when the control is more Jupiterian, that the implosion is even more impressive."_ Don’t you feel lonely?_ I do. "
Relationships: Samuel Murphy/Tadanobu Arima/Harold Johnson
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	Post-It : Crumpled Papers

Square, base. Triangle, objective. Circle, perfection.

How many times had he looked at this post-it over the mirror hanging on the door of his locker? It was his ritual, at the end of the day, a reminder of his expectations, of his thirst of excellence, his goal did not appear here, and the supereminence still unattainable. He had drawn these figures, for the first time, when he was only a schoolboy, like a personal tantra, a promise he made himself, so he would never get lost.

"_ Samuel, I'm talking to you. "

Samuel emerged from his torpor and turned to the source of the voice speaking to him. He looked silently at Benjamin who was busy putting his laptop in his backpack. Benjamin was his colleague and roommate, with whom he shared a tiny three-room apartment twenty minutes' walk from their place of work, an apartment they rented on 147th Street. But he was also, incidentally, the pain-in-the-neck-on-duty, and his look too mischievous at that moment only confirmed this observation. Samuel turned his attention to his own things, which he piled up in his leather satchel, then began to button his white shirt.

"_ My answer is no, replied Samuel, slipping his shirt inside his pants.

_ Mary will not come if you are not there, and I will not bear to make the conversation to Kasai all the evening, you promised Samuel, you accompany me. "

Samuel looked for his scarf in the back of his locker, which he threw over his shoulders and looked at himself in the little mirror. His light brown hair with red highlights were longer than they used to be, some locks had fun dancing on his forehead, he mentally noted to have them cut, his complexion was pale, his cheeks kept on growing dig over time and his absinthe green eyes drowned in dark circles they had accumulated for several weeks. He sighed, closing his locker to get his coat.

"_ I come out of two weekends where I was on duty Benjamin, and I'm on call Monday, spending the evening listening to your serenade with Mary is not of interest to me.

_ You promised. "

Samuel looked up from his phone, indicating 8:30 p.m., and observed Benjamin, who was no longer smiling. He had to admit, he hadn't been somewhere other than the hospital or home for several weeks, his social interactions were limited to conversations about work, about the next procedure, about additional examination that he had to request or about the inter-service consult he had to make. Samuel sighed again.

"_ I won’t stay more than an hour. "

Benjamin's serious face eased and he stood up energetically making his way out of the resident's room. Walking silently down the hall towards the elevator, they saw in the distance the silhouette of a man in a dark blue scrubs outfit, removing a cap of the same color. Samuel nodded respectfully to his senior before rushing into the elevator.

"_ I can be proud, I have left the service once after him last week," said Benjamin, tightening his black scarf over his coat of the same color.

Indeed, Dr. Azami was undeniably a person who had devoted his life to work, he represented one of the main reasons which led Samuel to join the cardiothoracic surgery program of the New-York Presbyterian Hospital, his expertise in the full spectrum of pediatric and adult congenital heart diseases including heart transplantation and minimally-invasive procedures was world famous.

Benjamin and Samuel had joined this ultra competitive and selective program four years ago. They had known each other since high school, Benjamin had fun describing Samuel as his rival wherever they went, Samuel never noticed the remark and even if he did not consider him as a competitor, Benjamin had started to be a constant in his life, something close to a feeling of family.

The cold breeze of the nights of March brought Samuel back to reality as he halted at the door of a bar that Benjamin crossed without stopping. The entrance only allowed access to one person, made of several glass tiles surrounded by black varnished wood. Above it was the name of the establishment written in black Gothic letters "Le mélomane". Several groups of people were standing near the entrance, as well as a man leaning against the wall, Samuel recognized this shadow by detailing it, tall, slender, short black hair, a hard and serious face he recognized belonging to Kasai. Kasai turned to Samuel and raised his hand, whose fingers entwined a cigarette and mimicked the words "joining you" to Samuel who just faintly smiled as he stepped inside the bar. Samuel went down the stairs to the room where several people were seated. He looked around the space, letting go to the warmth he welcomed with open arms.

The bar, which wanted to be a jazz club (but ended up being NY Pres watering hole), must have been a cellar that had been renovated in several styles, the one that advocated was the shabby chic style in dark tones. A counter extended along the wall facing the entrance behind which were placed a hundred bottles of all kinds in shelves that evoked the Baroque era. A scene was improvised at the bottom on which appeared a black piano 3 quarter, a double bass and a battery. On the other hand, the tables and stools were more modest, made of hard wood, they were arranged in a square all around an empty space in the middle of the room, which must have surely served as a dance floor for the bravest, during evenings reserved for that purpose.

The bar was crowded, all the seats were occupied, which is hardly surprising for a Saturday evening. Samuel caught a glimpse of Benjamin's back and made his way through the surrounding hubbub. Next to Benjamin sat, very elegantly, a young woman with short golden blond hair, an angel's face - a devil's look mentally noted Samuel - and lips accented by a red lipstick stretching into a smile that some would describe as devastating.

"_ Murphy who honors us with his presence, how much did you pay him Benjamin? Asked Mary, bringing her glass to her lips.

_ Good evening to you too Mary, said Samuel calmly, getting rid of his coat. "

Samuel amused himself by scrutinizing Benjamin, who kept laughing loudly at the slightest sentence Mary pronounced. The latter was resident just like them, Samuel had met her during his common trunk of surgery in his part of general surgery and he had introduced her to Benjamin, a mistake probably, who had swooned over her ever since.

"_ I'm sorry, but this table is reserved for surgeons, launched Mary, looking at the newcomer. "

Kasai was standing behind Samuel and looked at Mary with the smugness that only he knew how to show with her.

"_ I wonder how you do to lure people, I heard a radiologist describe you as the adorable ortho resident, replied Kasai, letting himself fall on the chair next to Samuel. And I also remind you that in dermatology we have the double number of lectures that all orthopedics can dream of having. "

And it was off, Samuel thought, taking a coin from his pocket, flicking it from one finger to another with his left hand under the table, a daily exercise among many to become ambidextrous. How many times did he hear this argument happen again and again ?

"_ Let me imagine your interactions with patients, hello, hm I see, here are corticosteroids, it will cost you 200 dollars, repeat. "

Benjamin giggled next to Mary while Kasai just smiled, easy jokes, easy pricks.

"_ By the way Murphy, I wanted to ask you about the child for whom you had asked a consult, Kasai started saying.

_ I'll stop you right now, we're not talking about work tonight. "

They all turned to Benjamin as if he had dared to profane.

"_ Wow, okay, what are we talking about then? "

Benjamin seemed to be looking for an answer, then his eyes lit up.

"_ Politics.

_ I’m certain you don’t even know the current president’s name, Samuel said while the others were loudly laughing.

_ We are not going to lie to each other Benjamin, apart from the soft skin doctor sitting with us, we are in our thirties and our ability to maintain a basic social conversation is equivalent to that of a 4 year old child.

_ Which would mean that you too?

_ I am an exception, that goes without saying. "

Samuel chosed to unfocus from the conversation at that moment, and looked over Mary's shoulders. He let his gaze wander over the various faces surrounding him, recognizing a few familiar ones, and concentrated on the scene which was opposite of where they were sitting. They always made sure to meet at this place, when available, for live music evenings, like this one, they could converse without disturbing anyone (and especially not being disturbed by anyone) but also be able to savor the music played which dressed their conversation in mute.

On stage, the next musicians were busy adjusting their space, Samuel glanced at the evening program posted next to the counter near the entrance and read "10pm: Harold Johnson & Tadanobu Arima". Samuel returned his attention to the two musicians. One of them, Harold probably, settled behind the piano, Samuel narrowed his eyes slightly and the first detail that caught him was his medium wavy hair, blonde, not like Mary, a less lively blonde, deeper, some wicks falling on his face, a virile face, arched eyebrows, a playful look, a beard and a goatee of the same color as his hair and lips stretched into an indecipherable smile that moved in motion addressing the second person on stage. The latter – Tadanobu, thought Samuel - installed a high stool. Samuel studied him quickly as he leaned over to look for a trumpet from his holster on the floor next to him. He wore a white shirt, the sleeves were rolled up at the elbow, over black pants which accentuated his slim appearance, his hair was black, but some rebellious short locks brushed his forehead, he stood up and spread them with his right hand , while the left held his instrument, his eyes were slanted, a straight nose and jawline. Samuel decided they must be the same age, in their thirties.

Samuel participated superficially in the conversation with his friends then turned his attention back to the musicians when the sound of the trumpet came to him. Tadanobu was half seated on the stool and started a song that Samuel found himself recognizing - to say that he had little knowledge of music would be an euphemism. The duo played a more intimate and reserved version of "That’s Life". Samuel brought his glass, a single malt whiskey, to his lips without taking his eyes off the spectacle they were offering, Harold's voice was deep, controlled, without being exceptional, but just and conveying emotions that Samuel caught himself feeling, between joy, melancholy and a sentiment of incomprehension. The trumpeter dressed the song, without overdoing it, resting his instrument on the leg backed against the stool when he was not playing, and listening, like almost all the people present, languorously to Harold, smiling and rocking his head gently to the beat music. There was an exceptional chemistry between them, wondering if they were playing for the others or only for themselves.

The song that followed was sung by Tadanobu, I fall in love too easily, Samuel didn't recognize it, but it didn't matter to him, because if Harold's voice was virile and sweated a force that matched his physique, the voice of Tadanobu was confusing, was he singing false or right? It was light, almost ghostly, an angelic voice - white demon or black angel? As soon as he had finished a lyric, he brought his trumpet to his lips which he moistened and embarked on a solo as captivating as his voice. Samuel didn't understand what was happening on stage, this silent dialogue between Harold and Tadanobu, it was probably one of the most intimate scenes he had ever seen. When one did not gaze at the other, it was the other who looked at him with admiration, respect, affection and love, Samuel thought _I don't know what it is, but I would like to be part of it._ Samuel found his idea ridiculous, it was a performance. Yes, it was only a performance.

They finished their routine after two other songs to make the way for the following artists, the audience warmly applauded them, Samuel meanwhile, whose fatigue had finally caught up and indubitably irritated his already not-cheerful mood, wondered without leaving the duo of eyes. Benjamin had long claimed that he never had and would never have any affinity for music or art. Now, to say that he had been transported by that music would be a lie, he had lived a story with Tadanobu and Harold during these privileged few minutes. He waited to see the next group, renewing his drink, to confirm if he would feel a likeness close to the one he had just silently experienced. The answer was not long in coming, barely a few seconds after having started the first song, Samuel looked away and searched for the duo which he found leaning against the counter trained in a lively discussion with the barmaid.

Animated by a curiosity, which was often reserved for complicated patients, and a frustration, which he could not explain, Samuel got up, not without launching a “be right back” to his colleagues, and went to the back of the counter. Alcohol and exhaustion, mainly, did not help him to have an informed judgment at that time, he was worn out, his muscles began to tingle as it was often the case during his post-call shifts, and more than anything he was sickly curious - drawn to the back of the bar.

Tadanobu and Harold were standing in front of him, offering their back. _What am I doing here ?_ First mental slap. What did he want to tell them? Did he even want to tell them something? He was going to greet them and then what? _I found you exceptional?_ He laughed mentally at the idea. _I find you as interesting as a triple bypass surgery I would practice solo?_ Samuel admonished himself, finding his person ridiculous for the second time of the evening and blamed it on his tiredness, the physical effects of which were now visible, and got ready to return to his table.

" _ Hello. "

Samuel's eyes met black ones, and that voice. _That voice_. Tadanobu turned around and stood facing Samuel, leaning against the counter.

"_ You were at the back of the room during our little show, he stated clamly, I hope you liked it.

_ You were very good. "

_Very good ? Can I make more cliche as an answer?_

"_ I'm Nobu. "

Samuel looked at the hand extended towards him, as if insane. He grabbed it and observed at their hands as they shaked them. The hand of an artist and the hand of a surgeon.

"_ I'm Samuel Murphy.

_ Nobu, you forgot your phone again. "

Samuel turned around and met Harold's azure blue eyes.

"_ Hal, I present you Samuel Murphy. "

Harold offered his hand warmly and squeezed his tightly. Samuel was surprised by the ease of the contact, he who was often used to more reserved for the professional environment, but obviously no need for protocols in a bar.

The babbel surrounding him, and the music performed on stage did not allow Samuel to hear the question addressed to him.

"_ I asked you if you were fond of jazz, Nobu wondered again while putting on a black parka. "

They were leaving? Samuel was about to answer, but Harold's hand rested on his shoulder and the one of Nobu, he too was wearing the same jacket in dark blue tones, at least that's what Samuel could guess with the dim lighting of the place.

"_ Gentlemen, how about we finish this conversation outside? "

Samuel was not against some fresh air. He went back to his colleagues who were chatting without worrying about the surroundings (from a distance one could swear it looked like an argument).

"_ Yes, it is a platform set up by the government where the patient can see the laboratory conventions to which each doctor has participated, Benjamin explained to Mary.

_ Why do you think I have more than four conferences a month? Kasai outbids.

_ For the free lobster?

_ I'm leaving. "

Samuel took his coat which he quickly put on, he watched from the corner of his eye Harold and Nobu leaving the bar.

"_ Lunch, Monday? Samuel added grabbing his bag. "

Mary and Kasai nodded while Benjamin muttered "thank you".

The freshness of the night woke Samuel slightly when his heels met the cobblestones of Broadway Boulevard. Harold, whose lips were kissing a cigarette, and Nobu, who was firmly holding the case of his instrument, were standing aside. Samuel noted that Harold was taller than Nobu.

" _ Sam ! Exclaimed Harold as Samuel slowly approached. You don’t mind me calling you Sam? "

_You already do, why do you even bother asking._

" _ It does not bother me.

_ Hal was lecturing me on every microscopic mistake I made this evening, said Nobu, smiling.

_ Because you think you are in a Jam session, added Hal.

_ It looked like a heart made of wood and copper that breathed. "

Harold and Nobu turned to Samuel, questioning. He didn't notice their stare because he was studying his right hand.

"_ The magic of the musician, the music of the magician. "

His rib cage lifted then he sighed. Obviously, everything that came out of his mouth had to have something to do with a heart.

"_ It felt alive. "

He looked up and met an incredulous duo gazing at him.

"_ I'm sorry, my musical knowledge is limited to the national anthem.

_ No, I mean, Nobu turned to Hal who giggled joyfully, it is perhaps the most beautiful compliment we received this evening.

_ Or ever?

_ You don’t do music for a living?

_ Oh, no, we are amateurs, I am a teacher in high school, Nobu explained. And he’s a tax thief, he added with disgust.

_ Oh please, said Hal, rolling his eyes, faking exasperation.

_ A dog’s government, Nobu continued solemnly.

_ I work in the NYPD, Harold clarified. "

Samuel, without realizing it, fixed his gaze on Harold's beard and goatee, which did not escape his notice. Nobu started to laugh.

"_ I know what you think, since 2016 we have been allowed to grow up a beard.

_ An inch and half beard to be precise, Nobu chuckled. You had to see when Hal said he was a Muslim and called out for personal liberties.

_ My beard, my identity. And you Sam? What obscure job are you doing?

_ I'm a cardiothoracic surgeon. "

His response must have impressed them because they detailed him strangely, as if they were seeing him for the first time.

"_ Well, doctor Sam, how do you feel about grabbing something to eat? "

Samuel lifted the sleeve of his coat and checked his watch which indicated 10:46 p.m. He was ten minutes from home, one more extravagance probably wouldn't hurt him. He listed the tasks he had to do the next day and quickly weighed the pros and cons. _You're too cerebral_ , Benjamin had once told him, _more like socially constipated_ , Mary had retorted.

"_ Can we make it not far from here?

_ What about that diner over there? Harold pointed to a display case that read "ANDY’s Open 24 HOURS", I’m pretty sure the eggs won’t be as disguting as it looks.

_ It’s either that or the donut dunkin at the corner, Nobu added. "

Samuel sat heavily on the chair, which gave its back to the window, while Harold quietly took off his coat. Nobu was analyzing the desserts and various pies on display inside the refrigerated counter. Samuel appreciated this moment of calm, very few people were seated, the main source of noise came from the plates the waiter was busy putting away. Nobu eventually joined them and settled next to Harold who was reading the menu with a concentrated glance. When the waiter introduced himself to them, Samuel soberly asked for a greek omelette and a black coffee - Nobu gave him a silent glimpse, Harold took a turkey sandwich with extra pickles and the house lemonade as a drink.

"_ I'd like a slice of the Supreme lemon pie, a slice of the strawberry cheesecake, and a slice of the lemon cheesecake, Nobu enumerated without blinking.

_ Jesus, Nobu, is it a slow suicide?

_ I’m only allowing myself to eat sweet stuff after a concert, Nobu calmly explained, putting his phone down on the table, plus we have a specimen with us who drinks coffee at 11 p.m.

_ It’s either that or me feinting the next minute, Samuel grinned, leaning even more against the seat."

Samuel watched Harold and Nobu teasing each other over every unnecessary detail surrounding them, one could have said hello, the other would have found something to complain about. His mind was more and more clouded, he felt his consciousness was shifted from his body.

"_ Are you two together?"

The sound of his own voice woke him up. The inquiry had inadvertently escaped him. Harold and Nobu looked at each other silently.

"_ Are we together? Nobu asked Harold the question in an amused voice, as if they were questioning themselves for the first time.

_ Haha, I guess we can call it that way, Harold replied, pocketing a fry in his mouth.

_ Then what about Katy?

_ And what about Nakamoto?

_ Nothing happened between me and Nakamoto, we are coworkers, but you, on the opposite, slept with Katy. "

Samuel could have felt embarrassed by the exchange, if the two were not as relaxed.

"_ You were the only one who did not notice the advances he was making you, it was laughable, obscene to a certain degree, but laughable.

_ I’m not really responsible for what others do think of me, am I? - Nobu drew in Harold's fries- I’m only responsible for my own behavior.

_ Katy was a good girl, continued Harold nostalgically, and stop stealing my fries, poison yourself with your sugar.

_ She was indeed a good girl, agreed Nobu, but it wasn’t enough.

_ It is never enough.

_ So, you are in an open relationship, summarized Samuel who had trouble grasping the nuances of their bound. "

Harold bursted out laughing as he got up to pay the bill, Samuel was going to join him but Harold dissuaded him, claiming that he had insisted to join them and that it was a good publicity for their future hypothetical fanclub.

"_ Hal is everything to me. "

Samuel looked at Nobu who was staring at Harold.

"He’s my family, my friend, my lover, we may have shared different relationships with other people, especially him, but, we will always be here, we have always been and we will always remain. "

Samuel couldn't say he understood, but he had no doubts about the veracity of Nobu's words, or feelings.

"_ What about you, Sam? Any lover? Married maybe?

_ Love affairs are not part of my area of expertise - Nobu chortled - I am a surgical resident, I don't think we can do half things, we can't be half a surgeon, or half married. "

Samuel brought the cup of coffee to his lips and winced at the cold liquid.

"_ It's either everything or nothing."

The evening ended as pleasantly as it had started. They exchanged their phone numbers, to meet again, why not, during their next recital. Surprisingly, Samuel had spent an enjoyable evening, he had filled his social quota with Benjamin and Mary, who would not harass him anymore for an outing for a long time, he had discovered an impromptu affinity with music and he had made the acquaintance of a - Samuel searched for the word - interesting duo.

* * *

March was freezing New York sidewalks. The frost chilled the cars parked on Brodway Boulevard. The alleys were slowly starting to come to life, shadows moving mechanically towards the nearest metro entrances.

New York on Monday at dawn was like waking up from an ethylic coma.

But for Samuel, awakening seemed to him already far away. His Mondays all started in the same way, at 5 a.m. he showed up in the service before everyone else, meeting only the busy on call team who was usually filling in the latest files, he placed his thermos mug on the counter at the reception desk of the service, and began the preparation of his pre-visits. He was currently responsible for 5 patients, he looked at the service admissions list over the weekend and then began his daily patient review.

"_ Murphy. "

Samuel lifted his head from the tablet on which he was tapping and met the gaze of Dr. Azami whom he greeted. His face was impassive, and his hair strewn with gray locks was impeccably styled. He too was part of his pre-visit morning ritual. They walked around the rooms under his watch and introduced him to the newest patients. Samuel had only made an admission on Friday that he had not yet discussed with his supervisor.

They entered the room where a bed was installed by the window, a bedside table separated it from the wall where a small glass filtered the lights of dawn. An empty chair was placed at the corner of the room. A black-haired boy - like Nobu's thought Samuel - was half-seated, puny in appearance, wearing a white blouse with black polka dots, his long hair hanging over his eyes, bridled, silently scrutinizing the two doctors.

Samuel handed the tablet to his senior who grabbed it.

"_ The patient is Collin, 6 years old, from New York, admitted in our level on March 22, 2019 for the management of acute pulmonary edema - Azami frowned – unknown family history, personal antecedent : vaccines made, for the history of the disease…

_ Was it during your call? Azami cut him off.

_ Yes.

_ Did you arrive before the cardio team? Azami did not look up from the screen.

_ Yes.

_ And you have judged the need to hospitalize him in surgery?

_ Only after he has been stabilized in the intensive care unit.

_ Naturally, Azami paused, you asked for a dermato consult yet I see you had already done an infectious mononucleosis test, who did order that?

_ Dr Edwards, Samuel did not blink.

_ This is an interesting case of dilated cardiomyopathy, good indication of the emergency, you will present it on the reunion of wednesday. "

Azami left the room while Samuel followed him a few steps behind.

"_ Given his age and the already advanced stage, he will probably be refractory to the medical treatment, in the long term he will be a candidate for heart transplantation, but you already know that. "

Azami placed the tablet next to Samuel's mug and turned towards him, his expression was more relaxed.

"_ For the moment, prepare Mr. Cooper for his transcatheter implantation of the aortic valve, he is scheduled for 8 am, I want you on it."

Samuel’s gaze lit up, solo surgery, albeit chaperoned, was the best fuel to start a day.

His morning had been exemplary, the procedure with Azami had gone smoothly. The operating room represented the temple of Samuel, he was convinced that it was only there where he was truly complete; there was no false pretense, everything had a role and a precise emplacement, gestures were applied to the millimeter, his mind was sanitized, nothing mattered more than what was before him, the operating room is a timeless place where his potential exceeded every limit.

Samuel got out of the elevator, putting his blouse back on, when he was hailed by Benjamin who said a word to the intern standing next to him and then approached Samuel who was fixing his collar.

"_ Good morning, dear colleague.

_ What kind of bomb are you going to drop on me? Asked Samuel without stopping, not without greeting the nurses that he had not crossed the morning, taking a tablet to add the latest information from the patient they had operated on.

_ Mary, Benjamin started.

_ Of course, Mary, Samuel smiled.

_ She wants to try again. "

Samuel stopped typing and watched Benjamin who was looking away, slightly embarrassed.

"_ Not for a quick fuck, Benjamin specified.

_ And it is said that persistence does not pay, don’t pull the Benjamin show like last time.

_ I won’t, replied Benjamin, fixing him straight in the eyes, I had cracked, we all crack at some point. "

Benjamin was silent, probably remembering the events of the past year. Who could blame him? The workload had reached its climax, the end-of-core tests were taking place the following month, the expectations of their elders were pickier. It was a real psychological and physical game. Benjamin had implosed, his relationship with Mary was nascent, it was obvious that it would not hold. Benjamin still regretted the words he had said to Mary - and others, Samuel being one of them.

"_ Except you of course, man, I don't know how you manage to externalize - or internalize - all this stress.

_ I'm happy for you and Mary.

_ Having said that, there is a man who wanted to talk to you, he came for your patient. "

Benjamin pointed the end of the corridor where the waiting room was. Samuel quickly finished marking the details of his intervention, better get rid of these kind of small tasks, then joined the place designated by Benjamin.

Sitting in one of the many olive-green armchairs, a man in his fifties was standing upright. When he saw Samuel, he stood up and introduced himself.

"_ Hello Dr. Murphy, I'm Rick Aldo, I am a social worker at the Ross Shelter Care.

_ Hello Mr. Aldo, please, take a seat, Samuel politely offered him.

_ Excuse me for bothering you doctor when you must be busy, I wanted to discuss with you about Colin's case, I have no doubt about the quality of your medical care, you are all very diligent, what I would like to approach and above all ask you doctor, is the psychological support. Colin is a very wise boy, he is very often apart from other children, his intelligence for his age is undoubtedly true, but he remains an orphan and the fact of finding himself in a place with faces that are completely unknown to him is very disturbing. He holds you in great esteem and admiration doctor, you are the first constant face he saw here, I probably exceed the limits by asking you this, but please be there for him, the loneliness that is his is difficult to quantify. "

Samuel gauged him silently, that was a singular request.

"_ Mr. Aldo, we have a qualified staff for the psychological help of patients in-

_ Please, Doctor Murphy, I follow Colin's case for a long time, gaining his trust and his friendship was a work over several years. "

Samuel's pager beeped, he picked it up and guessed where it came from, his advanced resident on call with him, Dr Edwards.

"_ Mr. Aldo, I will do what is necessary with Colin. "

* * *

Monday, 25th. The same day. 8 :45 pm.

Samuel took off his blouse and put it on the back of the chair across from his bed. He had just joined his on call room, which would delight minimalists, white walls, no window, it only contained a bed covered with blue sheets, a bedside table, a desk on which were placed the phone of service and a chair. Samuel began by bringing the phone closer and placing it on the floor next to the bed, in case one called, and let himself fall on it. _Sigh_. He had just returned from several hours of surgery, the paperwork had taken him almost as long as the procedures themselves. Next, He helped his junior resident break a chest drain on an agitated patient, then took a quick walk around the ward to ask the nurses about any difficulty with the patients on the floor, while leaving the instructions for the night.

This is where he saw Colin again, his room was different compared to the morning, there were drawings hanging on the wall facing him, some photos too. He thought back to his conversation with the social worker, but he didn't see what he could do at his level. Among his entourage, who had children? He took the sandwich that Benjamin had bought him before going out and nibbled on it, enjoying the silence surrounding him. _It's crazy how Colin looks like Nobu_. An incongruous idea germinated in his mind. He picked up his phone and quickly typed. _Can I call you_? He drew the cucumber from his sandwich and his phone rang. Samuel silently prayed to the Cardio Gods that it was an interesting trauma that wouldn’t keep him awake all night, but was surprised to see Nobu's name displayed.

"_ Hello Sam.

_ I hope I’m not disturbing you.

_ No, no - Samuel heard a noise at the other end of the line - a couple of Hal's friends are having dinner with us tonight, you save me from a very boring conversation about work, work and work.

_ Maybe you will not appreciate the service that I will ask you.

_ If I can be of any help Doctor Murphy.

_ I have a patient, a child, I want to try to - Samuel wondered how to describe his situation - to establish a bond of trust with him.

_ And the parents?

_ Are not of much help, said Samuel preferring to remain evasive.

_ Hm, what I can advise you is to be interested in him, not superficially, ask him questions, about him, his friends, also share little details of your life, when he talks to you about his centers of interest try to bounce off something that you can possibly share in common, like a game or some hobby. Personally, I would initiate this contact with a small offering.

_ As in?

_ A small gift, it can range from a book to a yoghurt, the hospital food always leaves something to be desired.

_ Maybe I’ll try that tonight.

_ Wait, you're at work? Nobu didn’t hide his surprise.

_ Yes, on call.

_ Since?

_ My call shift started at 9am but I have been here since 5am. "

Samuel closed his eyes and relaxed against the hard pillow on his bed. It was nice talking to someone casually, especially when that person had that crazy voice. Samuel still remembered when he first heard Nobu sing, it was unreal.

"_ Sam, that’s … pretty insane, how are you surviving it ?

_ I’m fine, I’m used to this rhythm.

_ Next time - Samuel heard a second voice behind Nobu - I'm talking to Sam, haha, Hal asks you to join us, what? ok, ok, I rephrase, Hal invites you to discover his talents as a chief, gourmet, of - what else did you say? - cordon bleu, jesus, he’s at work, wait, ok I’ll tell him. "

Samuel could very clearly hear Hal’s voice, and found himself smiling at the exchange, Hal was probably the type to be rarely embarrassed to interfere in other people's conversations, especially when it came to Nobu.

"_ You heard the chief talking, he’s asking what you had for diner.

_ What I’m currently having you mean – Samuel raised the sandwich to analyze it better – a sandwich with cucumber, salad, ham. – _am I really talking on the phone about a sandwich-_

_ Hal screams sacrilege, alright let him rest for now, you can harass him later, when you're not this drunk too, sorry Sam, I'll go back with the guests, keep me updated about your patient, if you need anything - even if you don't - feel free to text me.

_ Alright, good night. "

A thin smile stretched Samuel's lips, it was really rare for him to feel such an easy bond with someone, the last person with whom that was the case was Mary two years ago. His friendships were counted on the fingers of one hand. Samuel was an introverted person, it was not a secret for anyone, his cohabitation with Benjamin was very codified, each one respecting the space of the other, they rarely spoke, leaving a studious atmosphere in their tiny common space. And yet, Nobu and Hal were undoubtfully loud, he didn't hate it, there was no game of "interest" between them, it was natural, light, relaxing, something that Samuel had not experienced for a very long time. He didn’t need it but yet he didn’t want it to disappear.

He looked at the little dessert pot, a fruit salad, and thought back to Nobu's advice.

* * *

Monday, 25th. 9 :15 pm.

Samuel stopped in front of the door of Colin's room which was open and saw him in a semi-sitting position, holding a book in his hands. Samuel had just checked the results of his ionogram, he had to monitor his potassium in particular because of the lasilix.

"_ Do you mind if I sit? "

Colin was probably immersed in his reading because he jumped slightly. He nodded quickly. Samuel brought the chair a little closer to the boy’s bed and sat down. Silence. Samuel felt uneasy and out of place, what was he supposed to say? All he wanted to do was get up and leave the room.

"_ I brought you this. "

Samuel put the fruit salad on the bedside table then sat down again, Colin stared at him, an almost shocked expression described on his face.

"_ Thank you.

_ What are you reading?

_ The little prince.

_ Isn’t it hard to understand?

_ It is… I don’t get everything, did you read it? Colin's eyes lit up.

_ Yes, I did, it is actually one of the rare books not related to science that I read, wait. "

Samuel plunged his hand into his left pocket and took out his post-it lot that he was lugging around and divided a part of it, he then gave it to Colin who looked at him skeptically.

"_ Whenever there is something you don't understand, write it on a post it, and I'll answer it when I come to see you. "

Colin took the papers in his hands, his gaze was lost on them for several seconds.

"_You … you don’t mind it?

_ No, it's completely fine - Samuel remembered Nobu's words - I did it when I was young too, look I still do it. "

Samuel took a post-it out of his blouse with the words "Cockett Syndrome protocol" and handed it to Colin who looked at it religiously.

" _ I will stay a little bit here, if you allow me, you can read me a passage if you want.

_ He looked at it carefully, then he said: "No. This sheep is already very sickly. Make me another." So I made another drawing. My friend smiled gently and indulgenty. "You see yourself," he said, "that this is not a sheep. This is a ram. It has horns." So then I did my drawing over once more. "

Samuel checked Colin's constants while he was gently deciphering the words drawn before his eyes, Samuel did not guess the effort made to read each sentence correctly. Nevertheless, he let himself be lulled by Colin's childish voice for several minutes, forgetting even the discomfort he had first felt when he had walked through the room door.

Mr Aldo was right. Colin was a very wise boy.

* * *

Tuesday, 26th, 12 :30 pm.

F-i-n-i-s-h-e-d. His call shift was finally over. Samuel was sitting on the bench facing his locker, massaging his temples. His morning boiled down to an endless round, a post call reunion where he had to explain at length every tiny decision that had been made, then he had completed the rest of his tasks mechanically. He needed a paracetamol urgently, after his calls, his head seemed to be on the verge of implosion, he felt like he was hearing all the sentences addressed to him the previous day. Mary described the call shifts as a parallel world to the external reality, which one had to distance himself from as soon as ended. She was not wrong.

Samuel took out his phone and decided to reconnect to the outside world, he had to do the weekly grocery shopping, Benjamin had left him the list on Whatsapp, he pressed the application icon and surprised a new conversation above the message from Benjamin.

[22:18, 25/03/2019] Hal sent 4 pictures.

[22:18, 25/03/2019] Hal: The menu of tonight, no specials because everything is special.

[22:19, 25/03/2019] Hal: A culinary masterpiece.

[22:32, 25/03/2019] Nobu: Oh God.

[22:33, 25/03/2019] Nobu: Sam, please tell him it looks amazingly good and fantastic otherwise he won’t shut it.

[22:33, 25/03/2019] Nobu: (That is, if Sam deigns answering us after this, ffs Hal)

[22:40, 25/03/2019] Hal: Hm I’m detecting a hint of sarcasm.

[22:40, 25/03/2019] Hal: Shouldn’t one be proud of his qualities?

[23:06, 25/03/2019] Nobu: Being a good drunk doesn’t seem to be one of them.

Samuel remained transfixed in front of his phone. He scrolled through the many remaining messages, Samuel looked at their profile photos, compared to his which could act as a CV photo, Hal's picture showed him, big smile, hugging an alaskan klee kai dog in black and white fur, while Nobu's was in black and white, more discreet, looking at the camera with a relaxed but reserved expression.

Ok, what the fuck was going on? His brain was too slow to process. Apart from the fact that Hal and Nobu had already transformed this supposed group conversation, in an exchange between two. Samuel did not know how long his lethargy lasted, when he regained some of his senses, he shook his head, smiling. His fingers moved on their own.

_Indeed, it looks amazingly good and fantastic._

* * *

Saturday, 30th March.

"_ I wrote all the instructions for your caregivers, if there is any difficulty, they can contact me on the number indicated. We will see each other during the consultation in a month. "

Samuel gave the documents to Rick Aldo who thanked him warmly. Samuel took a few steps back and watched the nurse help Colin dress with special care by putting on a woolen shirt. The previous Thursday, he had received an implantable automatic defibrillator for the arrhythmia episodes he had experienced while hospitalized. When she was finished putting on a cap over the little boy’s head, Samuel walked over and sat down in front of him. The nurse invited Aldo to sign the exit ticket, leaving Samuel and Colin alone in the room.

During these few days, Samuel had respected Aldo’s vow and supported Colin as best as he could. After finishing his work, he would sit at the foot of the bed and chat with him, or rather answer the very many questions that Colin had carefully prepared during the day. At first, they only touched on difficult terms in his reading, then he began to ask for the usefulness of each device around him, sometimes words he heard from doctors and nurses. Answering questions was easier for Samuel than entertaining a conversation. Then, when Colin’s physical condition permitted, he would read passages from the Little Prince to him, although most of the time they would both remain silent. An opportune moment of total emptiness, complete vacuity. The nurses noticed these strange meetings, some did not hide their surprise. Benjamin had heard of it but hadn't believed a word, Murphy, the heartless surgeon par excellence behind Azami, who stayed more than five minutes with a patient? A mental mischief just to imagine.

"_ I spoke to Mr Aldo, when you are at the orphanage, you can call me on this number or write me on this email address, you can tell me about the Little Prince's sheep or ask me questions like we were doing, okay? "

Samuel placed the piece of paper in his hands and was about to remove his own, but Colin grabbed them, his face, which often displayed a disinterested expression, saw a few tears pass as his lips stretched into a small smile.

"_ Thank you, thank you so much doctor."

Samuel told himself if all the children had half of Colin's qualities, he was ready to disparage them less.

Samuel spent the rest of his day idling. While he was walking on the streets of New York which approached the typical frenzy of the weekend, Samuel hardly felt concerned by this reality. His life was following the rhythm of his call shifts, his week lasted 4 days, the day on call, the post call, where he had the impression that his whole body was acidified, the third day, during which he tried to resume a normal pace of study, the fourth day, when he finally completely forgot his previous call and then rebelote. Samuel could have moved in the hospital, his current life wouldn’t have changed.

He stopped in front of a liquor store which was on St Nicholas Ave at the corner of 150th street, he did not let his gaze wander on the shelves and went directly to the seller asking for a bottle of Clos Saint Vincent wine from 2015 and a pack of Rince pig-karmeliet Stella.

The return to his apartment was not unpleasant. As soon his head brushed against his pillow, after having showered, he sank in the arms of Morpheus.

* * *

The same day. 7 :30pm.

Samuel pulled lightly on his scarf, standing in front of the door. He looked down and studied his outfit again, a middle gauge crew neck sweater under which he had put on a light blue shirt, black chinos and engraved Richelieu style leather shoes. He regretted the choice of shirt, his nervousness stifled him. He sighed, then knocked on the door in front of him which opened a few seconds later on Nobu's face sporting a cheerful look.

"_ Good evening Sam, please come in."

Nobu pulled away from the doorway to let Samuel enter their apartment, _their very bright apartment_ he thought. Samuel closed behind him as Nobu offered to take his coat.

"_ This is for the formal aspect, Samuel gave the bottle of wine to Nobu, and this for the informal one, he added, placing the pack of beers on the entry console.

_ I think I might enjoy the informal side more, you shouldn’t have disturbed yourself Sam. "

Samuel looked around, trying to record as much detail as possible. What he thought was an apartment was actually a studio that Hal and Nobu had bought three years earlier, a good investment according to Nobu, they had to redesign the interior, trying to create an open space to have as much light as they could, they had knocked down the kitchen wall, the cooking space occupied the remaining wall, the colors were very sober, both modern and sophisticated, matt dark gray, they had covered the fridge behind cabinetry. A square oak dining table, surrounded by 3 velvet and black metal chairs, mismatched in pink, yellow and graphic patterns, faced the worktop. The kitchen opened onto the living room, which consisted of a gray Scandinavian-style sofa in front of which hung a white coffee table. A television was placed on a TV cabinet which respected the tones of the living room. The apartment leaving in "L", the small segment at the bottom on the right served as a bedroom composed of a double bed, a bedside table, a triptych mirror in dark metal was placed against the wall, and next to the bed, stood out an armchair in kilim bordered which had seen better days. Samuel noticed the dog he saw in the photo of Hal asleep on it.

But all the charm of this studio, apart from the numerous windows which let the city lights filter in, displaying at that moment a sky made of gold and fusion, laid in the intelligent use of all the available space, using the drywall as libraries where several books were hardly piled up, shelves , stopped at the windows, contained even more manuscripts in various languages, Samuel recognized French and Spanish, as well as objects as different from each other, a casio synthesizer, cacti, a laptop etc. We felt strangely good within these walls.

" _ Sam ! "

Samuel grasped the hand offered by Hal who was particularly handsome that evening, he was wearing a white t-shirt under a beige woolen shawl cardigan. This man was unquestionably aware of his many charms. Samuel quickly glanced at Nobu who was busy taking out the champagne glasses and noted his more sober outfit, an olive night knit sweater over black straight pants.

Samuel explored the different shelves, hovering over the titles of the books.

"_ Nobu was telling me a fascinating story before your arrival. "

Harold handed the glass of champagne to Samuel who accepted it with a smile, expecting the tale to fall.

"_ A story that risks ending with a voluntary homicide, yes.

_ Nobu, I doubt it is a good idea to say that in front of Hal, who are you willing to assassinate? Just make sure to give us the body if he’s a donor.

_Wow, this is escalating quickly, said Harold, approaching the sleeping dog.

_ This colleague at work, Isabelle, found herself a new hobby, vlogging on Instagram, she’s doing it everywhere at school, last time I checked she is followed by 18k persons, who would watch such insanities? She got Nakamoto on one of her lives while we were having a pause, I swear he was going to plant a pencil in her neck. Yes yes, keep laughing, you’re not the ones she keeps harassing crying over her dog for a month because of a fucking cruciate ligament rupture, she even got a replacement dog to deal with her depression over a fake death.

_ How silly do you think he sounds, Sam?

_ You think you’re funny, weren’t you the one who was on fetal position for a month because Trotsky had a coriza?

_ Trotsky? Samuel asked curiously. You name your dog Trotsky? "

The dog looked up at their direction.

"_ Ok, here we are embarking on a dangerous subject, Nobu sat down on the sofa, glancing suspiciously at Hal. He named him Trotsky.

_ 7 years ago, we were, what? 21 years old, Nobu was learning German, should I tell him why? - Nobu looked at him disdainfully - because he wanted to read Das Kapital in its language of publication.

_ I have reached level B2 but I admit that I cannot read it easily.

_ It's already pure masochism in English, anyway, over time I started to find more and more strange books - Nobu took offense at the adjective - until one day he claimed he was a trostkist, I swear people are in prison for less than that.

_ And that guy thought of naming the dog he just adopted from a shelter Trotsky!

_ He was so ashamed to call him that way, when we were outside he would use "Otsky", he tried to name him some other way but he would answer only to that.

_ Thank God I was a maoist by that time.

_ Oh please, a few months later he was denigrating all these categories calling them renegades of the communist party, seriously what the fuck was going on with you? "

Samuel laughed without restraint, the nausea which had accompanied him since his arrival had dissipated by itself. The dinner took place in the same atmosphere, relaxed, pleasant, where they got to know each other better. Nobu was fond of foreign languages, a junkie according to Harold. He had done a Master degree in linguistics applied to the teaching of spanish as a foreign language, but during his university studies had also taken German and French courses, he had simply declared that he felt well surrounded by all these unknown words. Harold, on the other hand, was passionate about jazz, it was him who convinced Nobu to play an instrument so that he could accompany it, not being comfortable singing when they were in high school. Samuel did not know since when they were close, but he assumed this had been the case since their earliest childhood.

Then, they opened the bottle of Samuel, he was sitting next to Nobu on the sofa, while Harold, laying on an armchair, was looking for the replay of the match of the day, Manchester City - Fulham. The conversation was less lively, quieter, a moment of quietude that Samuel savored. He kept wondering about the nature of Harold and Nobu’s relationship. They weren't demonstrative at all, they certainly teased each other a lot, but Samuel had already seen male friendships of this kind without being necessarily romantic. Samuel felt very relaxed, the alcohol ingested throughout the evening was enough to knock him out, and without realizing it, he sank into unconsciousness.

* * *

Samuel was dreaming. He saw Nobu and Harold busy clearing the glasses and plates, everything seemed foggy, he felt like they were doing their best to make as little noise as possible, he wondered why, then, as Nobu leaned over to pick up the remaining bottle, Harold who was by his side, lifted his chin and pressed his lips to his, Nobu smiled against him, closing his eyes then pushed him aside making his way to the kitchen.

Click. Samuel suddenly opened his eyes, he did not instantly recognize where he was, it was dark, the only source of light came from the lampposts of the alleys which seeped through the windows, Samuel put himself in a sitting position, his eyes slowly adjusting to the obscurity surrounding him. He noticed that he was wrapped in a plaid.

"_ I'm sorry, did I wake you up? "

Samuel turned around and saw Nobu getting rid of his coat as Trotsky ran to his appointed place. Samuel rolled up his sleeve and saw the time : 3:35 am. Nobu made a silent gesture, indicating the window adjoining the kitchen wall. He placed a chair and a glass of water for him while he pulled out his pack of Marlboro Gold light and took a cigarette he silently trapped between his lips. Samuel sat facing him and ruffled his own hair.

"_ I feel ridiculous, I don't know how I fell asleep.

_ You must have been exhausted, you should have told me, I would have installed the bed for you, I didn't want to wake you up, you looked restless –pause- when were you last on call?

_ Yesterday. "

Nobu calmly lit his cigarette, which burned into a bright light that went out as quickly as it appeared, with a zippo he took from his pant’s pocket, then opened the window slightly.

"_ Insomnia? Asked Samuel.

_ That and Trotsky. It may well be Hal's dog, I'm the one who gets stuck with the night walks, well at least, I got us breakfast, replied Nobu, glancing at the package on the table. "

They were silent for several minutes while Samuel examined Nobu. He was sitting against the railing, the city light conferring a very intimate atmosphere.

"_ The first night we met - Samuel looked away from Nobu's fingers to meet his gaze that was lost outside - you said you can’t do half things. "

He brought the cigarette back to his mouth, pulled it gently, then exhaled a long stream of smoke.

"_ Don’t you feel lonely?

_ I do. "

Nobu questioned him with his dark eyes.

"_ I consider this feeling to be secondary compared to my thirst for knowledge.

_ Don't you think it is possible to do both?

_ Are you talking about love?

_ Something like that, yes.

_ Of course it's possible, but I can't afford it, I don't want to wake up one day and regret a lack of commitment, I can't explain my relationship with science Nobu, it's an ideal in which we believe entirely, or we totally deny. Excellence or mediocrity, there is no middle ground, it is either one or the other, even if that means that nobody will mourn my death - Nobu's gaze shot towards him - it must seem pretty depressing.

_ No, it seems admirable, it sounds so _Samuel Murphy_. Have you ever been in a serious relationship?

_ Apart one night shots, and even that, my roommate took out the Freudian postulate to explain my lack of frustration, Samuel smiled by raising his eyes to the ceiling.

_ Sublimation?

_ Yes, transform the vital energy or I don’t know what from sexual drive into an intellectual activity. "

Samuel leaned closer against the chair as Nobu smashed his cigarette against the crystal ashtray.

"_ How did you know each other?

_ Do you want the abridged version or the lost confession reserved for nights at 4 am?

_ This is a question that does not arise, the more the better.

_ Hal and I come from Vinegar Hill, he lived around the corner with his sister, she took care of him, she had no children at the time. I lived with my father, the very respectable Mr Tanioka - Nobu spat these words then resumed a cigarette - an exemplary father in the eyes of all, an honest American citizen, when he was sober of course. I was a reserved child, I didn't go out much, he was the only source of my conception of good or evil. "

Nobu's face darkened, Samuel hardly breathed. He expected everything but this kind of story, almost wishing he had never asked.

"_ I thought it was normal to be hit, that it was the duty of a child to say nothing, I believed this was affection, that that was the love a father carries to his son. When the marks on my back itch, I think back to that phrase he used to say to me, _of course it would hurt_. One day I left my house when he went to his store, he was a florist, this fucker, Hal was playing with several local kids, he saw me from afar and came to meet me. I don’t know how it happened but since then we never left each other. What my language hid, my body said, Hal had quickly guessed that something was wrong, I did not even see the point of talking about this because in my head it was normal, that Hal and all the children must surely live that too, but he finally discovered it and Hal made me experience a new reality, I had to learn to dissociate these two parallels. Going back to school was my salvation too. I hate myself for never having had the courage to stand up to him, he had a physical and psychological hold on me, all I did was silently pray that he would die as soon as possible, and the irony, I was actually feeling guilty to have such an idea, who would wish death to his only parent? To get away from my house even more, Hal and I subscribed to the municipal library, as surprising as it may seem it was his intiative, he who preferred to climb each tree on his way or play soccer with the children of the neighbors. This is where I met a person who softens my daily life, mr Kazumasa, the librarian, he gave me this love for foreign languages by offering me Sophie's World in a french edition - Samuel could not take his eyes off from the single tear that ran down Nobu's cheek - he explained this story to me in fragments, my love for books and letters was born under the words of Jostein Gaarder. And then at the age of 16, my father died of a pancreatic cancer, I was taken by a hysterical laughter at the funeral and I found myself pitifully weak to have never been able to stand up to him, hitting him, or spitting on his face, at 16 I was still that helpless version I had been at my 4 years. I sold his shit store and that shack that I cursed with all my being and I signed up for NYU, I proposed to Hal to get out of this shabby hole, he decided to take the law enforcement entrance exam. I started to change my last name to my mother's, I didn't want to keep anything from him. You know the rest. "

Nobu's cigarette was completely consumed without him touching it.

"_ Add to that my homosexuality, damn, that's another subject, Hal lived it better than I did, in everyone's eyes he was straight, popular in high school, adored by his ladies, but he didn't completely assumed his bisexuality only when we left Vinegar Hill. I was the discreet silent boy that no one notices, which I am always by the way, but the evening we met, you me and Hal, I couldn't help but approach you, you seemed completely off place and yet you seemed aware of everything surrounding you. "

Nobu was silent while Samuel tried to digest this staggering flow of information. He couldn't look away from that peaceful face that hid torments, inconceivable wounds to his eyes.

"_ Can I see them?"

Nobu didn't twitch, he closed the window and turned. He took off his sweater as Samuel stood up to detail the back, strong, his trapezium rolled slightly, his kidney fall was perfectly traced, a well built back which, however, was covered with different scars of different ages. Some faded almost completely, others carved the pale skin of Nobu, leaving retractable marks, lines of burns. Samuel, without realizing it, had reached out, animated by a morbid curiosity, and had touched an imperfection probably left by the repeated contact with cigarettes. Nobu shivered at his touch and turned around, grasping Samuel's hand, he smiled weakly, a smile with palpable sadness. Samuel, with a strength he didn't recognize, hugged him tightly as Nobu stiffened against him. Samuel breathed in the scent of Nobu's shampoo, a peppermint, mixed with that of cigarettes. Nobu trembled against him and grabbed his sweater as silent tears fell on Samuel's shoulders.

* * *

Sunday, 18th May. 7 :30 pm.

Samuel was standing next to Azami in the scrub in room, preparing for their next surgery.

"_ Have you ever attended a surgical embolectomy?

_ No , with the advent of fibrinolysis, this surgery was done in the service 4 times in the past 2 years.

_ Good, you have seen the angioscan, the lesions are very extensive and the heart is fragile, moreover the age of the patient means he will not support the CPB for very long, it is a good opportunity for you. "

A patient had been sent straight from the ER, a miracle that he was still alive, his intern told him. Samuel and dr Azami went directly to prepare, Samuel was inwardly ecstatic, Azami conceded him more and more procedures, sometimes reserved for advanced residents but Samuel was killing himself in the task, his spare time lately was entirely dedicated to learning interventions more complex one than the other.

He allowed himself to be dressed by the nurse, and was about to stand next to his mentor when a familiar face caught his eye.

Colin lay on the operating table.

* * *

10:30 a.m.

"_ Mr. Aldo, we see each other way too frequently. "

Samuel sat down next to the social worker who looked exhausted while removing his cap.

" _ How is he ?

_ We were able to remove the embolus, he will wake up soon, we will keep him under close surveillance. This episode unfortunately marks the beginning of his heart decompensation, Colin is a candidate for heart transplantation, we had hoped to save time thanks to the defibrillator, but he will make acute episodes more closely.

_ He adores you you know, I am at least reassured to know that you are his doctor, during this month he often came to my office to help him write correct and faultless emails, I did not believe that you would follow my request but you did it Dr Murphy, I appreciate it, you are an admirable person.

_ The only admirable person here, is Colin, the fight which is his now is the hardest. "

Samuel apologized to Rick Aldo and speeded up to the bathroom. He swiftly opened the door, went into a cubicle and had no time to crouch, that he vomited the bile he was trying to flush all evening.

He had tried to keep a cool head as best as he could, he had been applied during the procedure, mentally struggling to silence the voice in his head which kept repeating, it is not any patient , it's Colin, it's Colin, it’s Colin! He had fulfilled his duty and had tried to keep an empathetic face in front of Rick Aldo. He felt on the verge of implosion, he tried to calm himself down and pulled himself together, it was his daily life, he thought back to the post it on his locker and sighed deeply. The call night was long in front of him, everything was fine, he believed in what he was doing and above all he did things well, he had to. He looked at himself in the mirror after rinsing his mouth with a hard, inquisitive look. Pull yourself together Murphy, for fuck sake.

He should never have approached Colin.

* * *

Monday, 19th. 04 :05 am.

Samuel had just woken up from a nap that probably lasted no more than 45 minutes. He decided to do his night tour to check the surveillance done on the patients for the presentation to the next day report. His feet carried him to Colin's room, he took a tablet and leafed through his file. He stopped before a sentence "Switch to A-fib at 2am, external electric shock, IV amiodarone". Samuel walked decisively towards the nurse, whom he recognized as Mikayla.

"_ Who did you page for Colin? His tone was chilling.

_ Your intern.

_ I told you to page me if there is any problem with this specific patient, it is not the responsibility of an intern.

_ I'm ... I'm sorry Dr Murphy. "

To say that Samuel fumed was an understatement, he did no more ceremony and entered Colin's room. His face softened slightly at the sight of the boy who had longer hair. He approached and took his constants which he wrote down and sat down on the armchair facing him.

"_ Dr ... Samuel."

Samuel looked up and met his barely parted eyes.

"_ Hello Colin. "

Samuel stood up and leaned over the boy, pulling the strands of hair from his forehead.

" _ How are you feeling ?

_ I'm fine. "

Samuel's heart sank. The strength of this little man was estimable. He promised himself that he would not flinch anymore.

"_ I have the Little Prince on my phone, do you want me to read you some paragraphs?"

Colin nodded weakly. Samuel had only read a few sentences, Colin fell back to sleep.

* * *

10 :00 am.

"_ I heard you yelled at a nurse."

Samuel was bare-chested, changing in the resident’s room. His movement stopped as he searched for his shirt and turned to Benjamin, who was sitting on the bench, legs apart, wearing his favorite green scrubs.

"_ Rumors are going fast, and I didn't yell at her, I was rude certainly, but I didn't yell.

_ There is no rumor, she was actually the one who told me about it, she was as surprised as I was. Samuel the stoic who is scathing towards someone other than his intern? I would pay to see this. I saw that the kid you were taking care of is re-hospitalized, are you okay?

_ I'm fine, I buy you your lunch and then I go home, I'm exhausted, these are the instructions on the patients who may cause you problems today. "

Samuel handed Benjamin a blackened post-it with writing, looking at him amused.

"_ You’re really a post-it fetishist. "

Samuel finished dressing, then got out of the hospital and noticed that a VeggieGrill had opened nearby, so he decided to buy from there, thinking back to the dreadful morning he had just lived. Apart from the usual pressure during the report, he had learned that Colin's insurance could not cover the costs of the heart transplant, a fund raiser had been lifted, Samuel was convinced that it would never be enough, a heart transplant could cost around $ 1.4 million, but at least he remained a candidate.

Samuel was disgusted by his own person, this attachment to Colin clouded his judgment which he wanted to always be objective. _This is what happens when we let someone get in._

* * *

06 :15pm

Samuel had to meet Nobu in a cafeteria near Lily Brown Playground, a place often described as friendly and cool, frequented mainly by students. Harold was on night shift that evening and could not join them. Samuel let his gaze wander on the small terrace where several people were seated, his stare stopped when he recognized the face of Nobu, nimbly on his chair, surrounded by the cacophony of the place, he seemed insensitive to the world. Samuel detailed him, absorbing every detail, from where Samuel was, he could only see the top of Nobu, wearing a dark colored button neck sweater and square glasses that gave him a studious appearance. A gesture of his hand brought Samuel back to reality and it was only then he noticed the cigarette he was holding between his fingers, his free hand choosing to get lost in his hair and slightly ruffle it, his look was lost on a fixed point in front of him, then feeling a glance fixed on him, he noticed Samuel to whom he made a sign of the hand. Samuel got closer, while Nobu was chatting with the waitress.

"_ I took your favorite coffee.

_ I need to talk to you. "

Nobu looked at him, puzzled. The seriousness in Samuel's voice was not unusual, but Nobu rearranged his posture and faced him.

"_ I'm not going to go there by four paths Nobu, I have feelings for you and Hal - Nobu's slanted eyes widened under the effect of surprise - what I feared inevitably happened, if I had to to be completely honest with myself, I knew it would happen the first time we met. But I thought my social awkwardness wouldn't allow me to bond with you. - Nobu opened his mouth as if to say something - Don't cut me, please. Social relationships are, unfortunately, not an exact science, doing things textbook like is not enough to make it work the way we want it to - Nobu smiled - the fact is that I like a lot about you, your intelligence, your attention to details, and your thirst for learning, on this point we meet, and I love Hal differently, he is a pain in the ass but he is as loyal as a bulldog, and more than anything I love you together, your voice, Hal's charisma, your sensitivity and the energy ball that is Hal. "

Samuel slowly took a breath. Nobu had a relaxed, almost relieved expression.

" _ Sam.

_ I said do not cut me, today I had the proof that feelings can veil my judgment, today I admonished myself because I was not in control the space of a few minutes, which on a surgeon's table can be fatal. I doubt I will feel half of what I tried in vain to hide for another person and in a way, I am already grateful to have had the chance to experience this feeling. I close my eyes sometimes and I see you again on this scene, Hal behind his piano and you singing, you lived your instruments with all possible sounds and embellishments one can think of. I will never forget this picture. "

The waitress had returned and put an American coffee in front of Samuel, who did not take his eyes off Nobu's.

"_ I don't want to meet you again. "

Nobu's face was closed, only his eyes betrayed a silent torment.

" _ Sam. "

The man had already stood up and turned his back to Nobu who was doing himself violence to not react. Samuel remained standing for a few seconds like this, then turned and sealed his lips to those of Nobu who could not suppress a moan of surprise, Nobu raised his hand and gently stroked Samuel's hair, wondering at their softness. But as fast as it happened, Samuel undid the link between their lips and walked away.

This time without looking back.

* * *

Thursday, May 30th. 8:00pm.

Samuel looked at his phone. It had been more than ten days since he had received a message on Whatsapp, the unusual articles Nobu shared, or the ridiculous videos that made Hal roll on the ground.

"_ And here is his royal salad for his majesty. Where do I put it? "

Benjamin had bought him a meal, as usual when one had to stay. Samuel did not answer, taking stock of the rest of his evening, he had to go down to cover the emergencies while his intern dined.

"_ Samuel, can I approach something that caught my eye? "

Samuel looked at him amusingly while Benjamin checked that the room was empty.

"_ It’s not like you being so formal.

_ You're going to take it wrong.

_ Did you steal me an intervention? If so, you don’t have to worry, I’ll give you the same soon.

_ I saw a brochure on the living room coffee table, Benjamin started while trying to read Samuel's expression. "

Samuel sighed as he stood up, putting his stethoscope in his pocket.

"_ What do you want me to tell you?

_ Are you losing your mind? Have you gone mad ?! Benjamin was gesturing.

_ Stop screaming.

_ Samuel! Adopt a child? Do you have that in mind? You? Raising a fucking child?

_ No, I don't want to adopt this child to raise him, I want to offer him his damn transplant as you say his insurance cannot cover.

_ Then what ? Will you let him live in his shelter care in the meantime? Damn Samuel! If you had told me that you want to do it to practice the intervention I would have find it nomal, but you're really freaking out!

_ I wonder which of us is currently hysterical. "

Samuel removed the post it from his locker and turned it to Benjamin.

"_ This is my ideal as a surgeon, if I can offer this fucking surgery to Colin, I will, if I don't do it, it will be contrary to this ideal, contrary to everything in which I believe deeply and for which I live, and I don't do things by halves, I might as well die.

_ Samuel, if Azami learns this…

_ If Azami learns this, it will be from your mouth, and if it is the case be sure I will make your life a living hell Benjamin. "

Benjamin was taken aback by the gravity and the undisguised threat. Samuel was impassive, he was upright, straight, and emanated from him a sufficiency that Benjamin rarely recognized him.

"_ Do you hear yourself ?!

_ I repeat, stop shouting.

_ You cannot take care of his case, you are too much concerned by him, you even call him Colin, you have never recorded the names of your patients before.

_ You who reproached me for being a machine, now you reproach me for feeling compassion.

_ Samuel, we can't save everyone, what you can offer Colin is the best possible medical care.

_ Thing I already do.

_ And I don't doubt it! But it stops there, there are limits never to be crossed, you more than anyone knows! We call you the second Azami. "

Samuel looked at him, relaxing, then smiled at him.

"_ I will not say anything to Azami, but I will do everything to have his case, and that you can’t refuse me, Benjamin said, resolved.

_ Good luck then, comrade. "

Samuel gestured with his hand over his shoulder as he went out.

* * *

10 :30pm.

Samuel strolled between the various surgical emergency rooms, watching several doctors working with patients, the majority was police officers. One raid went wrong early in the evening, most of the cases involved trauma and orthopedic services, but they were all on the lookout. Blond hair at the end of the corridor caught his eye. His feet carried him by themselves, as he looked away from the board showing the names of the different patients and almost sighed, not finding Harold Johnson written on it.

"_ Hal? "

The man turned around and his posture froze. He was wearing his service uniform, with his cap on his head. Samuel stopped a few paces from him.

" _ Are you alright ?

_ I am not injured, I accompany my teammate. "

Samuel glanced at the man lying on the bed next to him, shirtless, whose shoulder exhibited an ugly swelling of the sternoclavicular. The black-skinned man was painfully closing his eyes. Samuel took a tablet and quickly looked at his file.

"_ They are taking him to the operating room, I-

_ Why didn't you call me?

_ Sam, you know why I-

_ You're hurt ! "

Samuel looked at an area tainted on Harold's uniform on his right forearm.

"_ Yes, it's nothing but a small cut.

_ Come.

_ Sam, I'm telling you, it's nothing.

_ Hal, please, don’t discuss and follow me. "

Samuel was heretic, the emergencies were overcrowded with more injured police officers than one another, he hated the idea of knowing that Hal could have been one of them without even being warned.

He drew aside the curtains of an empty box and pulled out a stool, as well as a patient hood table on which he placed his suture kit. Harold remained silent, noticing the nervousness that Samuel was trying to hide. From an outside point of view, Samuel seemed to be master of himself, his back was straight, his eyes showed a state of extreme concentration. But for who knew him as much as Harold, would have noticed the very slight and imperceptible frown, as well as the barely tight lips of Samuel. He sat on the bed, placing his hand on the plastic canvas that Samuel had placed. The latter washed his hands carefully then put on surgical gloves, Harold religiously contemplated Samuel, watching him in his element, his dark blue scrubs outfit contrasting strangely with the rest of the decor.

Samuel sat down on the stool and got closer, then began to sanitize Harold's cut which incised his skin a few inches.

“_ You should have called, Samuel repeated, injecting the xylocaine.

_ I'm used to the emergencies you know, I'm almost certain I know the nurses here better than you. "

Samuel stared at him curiously without getting distracted, he was the only one who could joke under such circumstances. Should he suture with his left hand? He was more skillful but decided not to try himself on Harold.

"_ I asked if you were on duty, to Lucy - Harold knew Samuel didn't recognize her - the pretty blond over there.

_ Don't move, please.

_ You won't guess what they call you, Dr Murphy the lone wolf.

_ What a surprise, so you knew I was on duty tonight.

_ Sam. "

Samuel was firmly holding his needle holder and dissecting forceps. He met Harold's eyes and sighed. He was cruel.

"_ I'm sorry, it pisses me off to see you here, hurt.

_ It's just a slit Sam, I wasn't even going to deal with it.

_ It does not reduce my anger. "

He was silent for a few moments.

"_ You don't ask how he is?

_ I prefer not to.

_ Sam. - Samuel took the thread with the fingertips of his left hand and tied the knot with his needle holder - Sam look at me. I don't care if Nobu is too civilized with you and refrains from picking up the phone to yell at you, but I'm not like him. Damn, we’re not swinging a monologue like this with a greeting. _I don't want to see you again_. If Nobu has decided not to say what he thinks, I won’t spare my words. I like you a lot, not in this brotherhood bullshit crap. If Nobu doesn't have the balls to tell you, it's his fucking problem, always so solemn that one, he should get a little loose if you ask me.

_ Hal.

_ No, shut up.

_ Hal, I'm at wo-

_ Tell me I'm dreaming. "

Harold looked up and faced a woman who was standing behind Samuel. Mary's lips stretched into a deceitful smile. Harold assumed she was a surgeon, the same age as Sam, a beautiful woman. _According to HIMYM, those are 100% crazy eyes_ , Harold thought.

"_ Is there a shortage of cardio patients? Are you coming to steal ours now? Wait, are you doing a suture? Murphy Almighty is doing a simple skin suture?

_ You realize the patient can hear you? Samuel finished his last point and released Harold's arm.

_ You don’t have to worry mr Officer, he’s our best surgeon. It’s actually a privilege to see him here and not in the operating room.

_ I'm not surprised by our dear Sam.

_ Did he just call you Sam? Mary quickly turned to Samuel who was getting rid of his gloves. Do you have friends outside the hospital ?! Other than Benjamin or Kasai, or me?

_ Who said you were a friend. "

Harold laughed, the pleasure he felt to see Samuel evolving in his familiar environment with his associates was joyous.

"_ And since you are right, it is not a case of cardio, I let you fill in his information. It was a pleasure to see you Hal. "

Samuel quickly left the box, leaving a raging Mary. He had to get away as quickly as possible, Harold's words seemed to burn against his skin, the more distance there was between them, the better. Harold sadly watched the figure of Samuel disappear.

They had definitely lost Sam.

* * *

June 3rd. 01pm.

"_ Dr. Samuel, did I cause you a problem?" "

Samuel was slightly tense, sitting in front of Colin's bed.

"_ Why do you think that?

_ You are no longer my doctor. "

Samuel closed his eyes and brooded over the events of the previous day. During the morning visit, while doing his round of the patients, he had noticed that the intravenous catheter on Colin's forearm was painful to him. He calmly asked when it was changed and the boy answered Friday. Samuel smiled weakly at him and then left the room, his gaze fixed on the nurse Mikayla who was busy filling in a treatment sheet. Samuel couldn't remember if he had shouted, or whispered, but what he was sure of, Dr. Azami had called him to his office that morning. He had been staring at him for several seconds.

"_ What happened, Murphy.

_ The intravenous catheter of our patient who recently underwent an embolectomy was not changed for more than 48 hours.

_ You are removed from this case.

_ I beg your pardon ? The shock transpired in Samuel's voice.

_ Don’t make me repeat myself Murphy, the case will go to Parkins.

_ May I ask why I am so unjustly punished?

_ Murphy, in this kind of situation, you know what to do, when an error is made by the paramedical staff, you take him aside and you discuss it with him, when the error is repeated, you address yourself to the head nurse, in no case is it said to make a scene in the corridor.

_ But still, why is this case that I master better than any other resident removed from me? "

Azami's gaze became calculating, Samuel had to play finely.

"_ Listen Murphy, you are one of the best surgeons of this service, it is a fact known by all. I have seen residents parade here, all more brilliant than the others, some win prizes, others have become pillars of modern medicine, but you, you are in a category apart, the work quality I require from you is the level of residents of 7th year, you have an inexhaustible talent, but you have to mature as a man and as a surgeon. During these 4 years when I monitored you, you acted without weaving any link with others, you understood the problem and you acted accordingly. But the profession of doctor is inseparable from empathy, and learning to differentiate between sympathy and empathy is a long process to learn. Why did I remove you from this case? I anticipate.

_ Does my work on my patients leave something to be desired? Samuel felt drained.

_ No, your work is flawless, as ever. I do not want to discuss this subject, my decision is final. If I see you in Colin's room outside the visiting hours, you will be deprived of surgery for a week. "

Samuel opened his eyes and met Colin's worried look. Hell, he was the one who should worry about Colin.

"_ Since I am no longer your doctor, maybe you should call me Samuel.

_ I … I can?

_ And you never posed a problem Colin, trust your new doctor, Samuel swallowed hard, Dr Parkins is as qualified as me.

_ Will you keep coming to see me? Colin bowed his head.

_ Everyday. "

Samuel looked around and picked up a random post it. Colin had guessed which piece of paper Samuel was holding. Before his eyes were awkwardly written "will I die?" "

"_ You promised to answer all my questions.

_ You are not going to die Colin, at the hospital we are treating people, you are bad now but you will be better, Samuel found it very difficult to choose the right words.

_ There are no children here.

_ It's true, because the children are in the pediatric surgery department, but since you have a heart problem, we keep you here because it is our specialty.

_ You’re not lying to comfort me? "

Samuel put his right hand on Colin’s frail one and was surprised by its coldness.

"_ Did I ever lie to you?"

Colin offered him one of his rare smiles, weak but deeply happy. Samuel’s chest tightened painfully at the ghostly sight of the child.

"_ Mr. Aldo says we should never say that to an adult, but I would have been so lucky to be your child. "

Samuel ignored the moisture in his own eyes and squeezed the pale hand tighter in his.

* * *

Thursday, 6th, 01 :40pm.

Samuel was sitting behind his desk, stretching his arms after he finished his consultation with the last patient on the list. The rhythm of outpatient clinics had at least the advantage of resting him when it took place over at the end of the week. He greeted the secretary with whom he had worked during the morning and headed to the cafeteria, hoping to have time to put something in his mouth before joining the service. His sullen air after what he called his separation with Nobu and Hal had faded scantily after the news that Benjamin had announced to him yesterday. A child hospitalized in pediatric surgery was currently in a state of brain death, ABO compatibility between him and Colin was already established, the pediatric team had to obtain parental authorization and define HLA compatibility.

He strolled the corridors of the service and went to Colin's room, looking at the time out of the corner of his eye, the visiting hours ended in 15 minutes, but he was surprised to find his bed empty. He took a tablet and looked at the program for the day, which he had seen the same morning. His heart seemed to stop at the sight of the new line added.

Colin - Operating Room 2 - Replacement of the mitral valve on rupture of the mitral valve - Operators: Dr S. Azami, Assist: Dr B. Parkins.

* * *

Samuel was standing, leaning against the wall of the scrub in area, in the corridor where the numerous operating theaters were aligned. The entrance to OR 2 was to his left, he could have looked through the window on the entrance, but he was paralyzed. He did not know how long he had been standing, rigid, but nothing mattered to him, not even the curious looks that certain colleagues of other specialties cast him. One could have spoken to him, he probably would not have answered.

He stared blankly at the monolithic epoxy floors. His brain was spinning 100 an hour. His gaze came to life when he heard the door open on Azami who barely saw him, going to wash his hands in the knee kick activated sinks facing him, Samuel instantly knew. Samuel did not even discern the words Azami said to him asking him to join him in his office in about fifteen minutes. He entered the operating room without ceremony and saw the resuscitator gathering his equipment, and the nurse leaving the room. Samuel met the eyes of Benjamin who had just taken off his bib, astonished. The smell of blood mixed with that of the burnt flesh that Samuel had been used to since his first days in med school made him nauseated at that moment. Between Benjamin and Samuel was placed the table on which rested Colin's lifeless body.

Samuel put the back of his hand against his mouth. The pale body stretched out before him had one more scar on his sternum. Samuel put his trembling hand on Colin's forehead, took off his cap, and began to stroke his hair.

"_ I want you to tell me what happened, every microscopic detail, Samuel did not raise his head from Colin's peaceful face while saying these words.

_ Samuel, I'm sor-

_ Don't you dare talk to me like a relative of the patient. "

Samuel approached the operator's chair, took Colin's cold, limp hand between his own, while Benjamin embarked on a scrupulous and morbid description of the intervention on Colin. Samuel listened to him silently, looking at the little boy, trying to record as much detail as possible, the length of his eyelashes, the shape of his cheeks, the beauty spot on the corner of his lips. When Benjamin had finished, Samuel brought back Colin's hand which was intertwined with his, on his forehead and closed his eyes, Benjamin remained forbidden from this spectacle, was he praying? It was surreal to see his comrade, the agnostic who had always been in such a spiritual position, maybe it was only then that he realized the special attachment that linked Samuel to Colin. When Samuel opened his eyes again, his face was expressionless, cold, unperturbed. He turned and left the room with a calm and balanced step.

* * *

"_ I'll give you two days off, Murphy. "

Samuel was standing in front of Azami who was looking at him gravely.

"_ Is that all you wanted to tell me?

_ No words will change the current situation.

_ Indeed, it is not necessary.

_ Murphy, talk to someone, this burden is too heavy to carry, even for you. "

Samuel left the room without blinking and joined the residents' room mechanically. When the door closed behind him, he threw his blouse on the bench and angrily opened his locker. His post it taunted him, his eyes angrily stared at the circle he had drawn himself, perfection, Samuel laughed bitterly, then grabbed the post it and crumpled it in his hand, and threw it bluntly in the bottom of his locker. _Fuck you Samuel Murphy you and your idiotic ideals._

* * *

Ibrahim Maalouf was a tense bridge between intimate territories and aesthetic claims, there was Mozart inside of him, a little bit of Chet Baker, and also an air of Abdel Hamid Hafez. The first time Nobu heard him play, a click had occurred, something had emancipated, this musical confidence had haunted him for months. When he listened to Kalthoum for the first time, he felt nauseous, the tenth time he listened to the album again, he saw it, what every artist aspires to, a unit from his own dislocation.

Nobu and Hal had been struggling fiercely on Movement I for almost a week without advancing. Nobu had acquired a microtonal trumpet in a lost flea market a year ago but still could not grasp its essence.

The experience was also disturbing for Harold, who tried to accompany Nobu on the piano without frustrating him, not having the difficulty of the quarter tone reserved for Arabic music on the piano. But this musical odyssey excited them to the highest point, a new angle of view to explore jazz, and what better companion to do it with other than Nobu.

The noise on the door pulled them from their escapade, Nobu slowly took his breath, while Harold moved the chair away to get up to open the door, probably to the detestable neighbor who would complain about the pseudo uproar. What was his surprise when he found Samuel on the doorstep.

Something was wrong, no, definitely, something was wrong. Samuel was still wearing his scrubs under his classic black coat. Harold invited him in, Nobu came back from the back of the living room and froze at the sight of Samuel in the middle of their apartment. Samuel almost didn't seem to notice him, he passed him through and sat down on the sofa, the same place he had occupied a few weeks earlier. He threw his phone on the coffee table facing him and lowered his head, painfully holding his forehead in his right hand. Harold glanced at Nobu who seemed as taken aback as he was. Nobu quickly regained consciousness and sat down on the right side of Samuel, approaching him gently, of all the versions of Samuel they had had the privilege to glimpse, this was the most desperate, Nobu put his hand softly on Samuel's back, tilting his head slightly.

" _ Sam ? What’s going on? "

Harold approached and his gaze was drawn to Samuel’s lit screen which displayed the name of Benjamin who was calling him and vaguely guessed the source of Samuel's troubles. Harold hardly sat on the remaining space of the sofa to his left.

"_ Sam, you can tell us everything, continued Nobu, gesturing lightly with his thumb on Samuel's back. Is it about -

_ Don’t say it. "

Samuel's voice was hoarse, he shook imperceptibly, then began to cry silently, not lifting his head from his hand. Harold leaned against him and put an arm around his shoulders, Samuel was caught in a stronger jolt and no longer suffocated the hot tears which fell on the dark fabric covering his thighs. He murmured incessant "I’m sorry" as his tears became more audible. Nobu was about to initiate a movement, when he found himself in the arms of Samuel, whose fingers clung almost painfully to Nobu's sweater, his head was plunged into his neck, where his warm tears came lightly into contact with the skin of the trumpeter, who brought his right hand back to the redhead's hair. Harold came even closer and hugged Samuel, resting his head on his back.

Time seemed to stand still, freezing, how long had they been in this position? Samuel had finally stopped apologizing tirelessly and his tears were beginning to be sparse. Nobu had his cheek lightly placed against Samuel's hair, eyes closed, without stopping his fingers from running over his locks. The sun was setting over New York and kissed the trio one last time before disappearing behind Harlem buildings.

Samuel lifted his head and met Nobu's deep eyes, he remembered the painful look he had given him the last time they had seen each other at the café.

"_ Will you ever forgive me? "

Nobu was not sure if the question was addressed to him, for any answer, he approached his face tenderly and deposited his lips against his, Samuel closed his eyes weakly, perceiving the hand of Nobu binding with Harold’s on his hip. He felt strangely well between these two bodies who wouldn't let him go. Three is one, one is three. The heat from those being held in both arms… permeates the center of Samuel’s body. Nobu gave up exploring Samuel's mouth and rested his forehead against his, their breath blending serenely.

"_ If this answer does not suit you, I will quote you one: The role of pain, disappointment and dark thoughts is not to embitter us, to make us lose our value and our dignity, but to become mature and purify us. "

Samuel closed his eyes, remembering Azami's words. He had never shown empathy, he had never tried to understand Nobu or Hal, he had simply looked from a detached, selfish perspective. What good was it for him to silence his feelings? Colin was dead, he left before he could tell him everything he had on his heart, that for him, he would have become something he never thought he would ever be, a father, he would have loved to tell him that he had learned from him more than from half of his colleagues, all happiness is innocence and Colin would always remain his, forever. Samuel couldn't make the same mistake twice, as long as he had something to say, to share with Hal and Nobu, he would, whether it be curiosity, interest, attraction or love. Denying it again was no longer an option.

That night, what Samuel's lips had so hard to keep quiet, his body was busy expressing for him. Making love is above everything, in this studio breathing the turned pages and the jazz vinyls freshly taken out of their illustrated covers, no picture was displayed, because everything was there, close at hand, and that would always be the case.

_We have always been, we will always be and will always remain._

These words took on their full meaning under Hal's feverish fingers, while Nobu's mouth seemed to be the key to their souls.

That night Samuel wept over his grief, and above all, he allowed himself to love, without restraint.

* * *

The following Monday.

Samuel entered the residents' room, getting rid of his blouse. As he closed the door, he noticed Benjamin's back stiffen in front of him. They hadn't talked since Thursday, Benjamin had harassed him in the meantime, 54 calls and 9 text messages, but strangely enough, he had avoided him all day.

"_ Benjamin. "

The man turned around, not daring to meet the eyes of his colleague.

"_ I would like to apologize for speaking and treating you so coldly.

_ You … you’re saying sorry?

_ Yes, my behavior is hardly forgivable, I believe that I learn to understand new things. Things that I had decided myself not to understand.

_ I was really worried, I could barely watch you in the condition you were in, you were never someone who shared his thoughts or his secrets, but it didn't bother me, that was what made you you, I want you to know that I'm not just your roommate, or colleague or whatever, I'm your friend Samuel.

_ I know and be sure it is reciprocal. "

Samuel put a book on the bench then opened his locker.

"_ Are you reading a novel? Benjamin's flabbergasted tone made Samuel smile.

_ It's, it was, Colin's favorite book - Benjamin had a backward movement - don't worry, I'm fine, you and Azami did better than I could have done with him, it was inevitable. "

Samuel was silent then turned his attention to Benjamin's tense face.

"_ I'd like to tell you a little bit more about him if you allow me.

_ I would be honored Samuel, around a hot meal, at home?

_ I don't spend the night at the apartment, I see someone, actually, I see two men.

_ See as in?

_ As in romantically involved. "

Benjamin's jaw dropped in surprise.

"_ We have known each other for almost 15 years and it is now that you tell me that you are gay ?!

_ Bi, corrected Samuel.

_ And you go out with TWO persons? Is this an open relationship? "

Samuel laughed at the remark, crystal clear.

"_ No, let me explain-"

Samuel looked at the piece of paper lying in the back of his locker. He wanted to change, to move forward, to grow as a surgeon, as a friend, as a lover, as a person. He opened the folded post it and looked at the circle, he was convinced that who sought perfection would find excellence, but if this perfection did not have a piece of Nobu, Hal, Benjamin and Mary, Azami, even of this idiot Kasai, then this perfection would be unbearable. Because in the end, it was not about perfection alone, there was also the objective and the base. And now Samuel was inclined to see everything again without feeling afraid of it, because he was no longer alone, or rather, he allowed himself not to be alone anymore, to love, at the risk of hurting himself.

He put back the crumpled post-it on the locker and closed it.

_It all started with whiskey, jazz and a crappy diner._

_Don't we say that jazz is the revolt of emotion against repression?_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!  
> Being my first attempt to type something in english, I must say this was a true challenge, the characters of Canis are very rich and some are hard to grasp (Hal being the hardest to me). I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did!  
> I would have loved to have more time to describe and develop the story even more, but it's only a matter of time before I write about them again.  
> I would like to thank Mikamod for creating this event.  
> "Hit me as hard you can" any feedback or critic is welcome !
> 
> Here are the versions of the songs used in the story:  
> \- That's Life - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TGa0iD5Lmk  
> \- I fall in love too easily - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zrSoHgAAWo  
> \- Kalthoum Movement I - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2-V8MIbuMo


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